Thank you bowel cancer.

Yesterday I had my last blood test to check my CEA levels. This has been my wee ritual every 3 months for the last 5 years. 20 blood tests have come back showing my tumor marker levels within a normal range, along with more MRI’s and CT scans then I can count and the final conclusion is that after a bloody hard battle I am now cancer free. Ill repeat that again. I am now cancer free. What does that mean for me? Well it means that every time I feel cold when no one else does that sinking feeling won’t creep in. When I just can’t seem to catch up on sleep and I feel so tired, it will just be because I’m hustling so hard, not because the cancer is back. Body aches and pains will just be from pushing myself at the gym. Just because I reached the mile stone of remission on Tuesday doesn’t mean that all these fears are erased immediately. It will take time to adjust to this new feeling of safety, just like it took time to adjust to the idea that I had cancer. 

When I speak to people about what I have been through you see the horror and sympathy wash over their faces. It would be really easy to dwell on all the shit I have been through and the life changing effects it will always have on me. But what’s more useful is celebrating the positive’s that have come from it all. Looking at the negatives and accepting that they were a thing but then understanding how they have shaped me into the person I am now. My parenting has changed, my connection with my friends and family has evolved, my love for myself has grown, my understanding of what I deserve and am worthy of has advanced, my compassion for other people has developed and my determination and will power has multiplied. 

Being forced to spend time away from my 15 month old daughter, while I fought for my life in hospital, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But do you know what it showed me? It showed me the importance of soaking up as much of each stage of her life that I can. She wants me to lay in bed with her before she goes to sleep? Absolutely, because I know for certain there will come a time when I won’t even be allowed in her room. Having to walk her into school each morning and help her unpack her bag and give her a hug and a kiss before I leave... I will do it with a grin ear to ear because soon enough she will be begging me to drop her a block away from school. Even having to deal with the teenage like meltdowns, complete with door slamming, fill me with a little bit of warmth (alongside the frustration) because this is a meltdown I almost didn’t get to see and help hug out once it was over. Every moment with Isobel is invaluable, every moment I get to see Jack grow up is precious and the chance to potentially get to add another to our family is priceless.

One of the biggest things cancer taught me was the importance of the village. The first thing that happened when I announced my news was everyone around me was at my side in an instant. I was inundated with support from people I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years, people I only met once or twice, friends I had grown distant from, people I had never met in person along with those close to me. I wasn’t just showered in money, gifts and food parcels but also in the most amazing kind words and actions from these incredible people. There was actually a Facebook group of woman I had never met dedicated to making sure I received love and support every single week during my treatment. People shaved their heads for me. Family traveled from other cities at ungodly hours of the morning to see me into surgery and hold my hand while I screamed in agony when I had complications. I could go on and on about all the amazing acts of kindness. What all this taught me though was that the idea of paying it forward was more important than ever. I will never be able to repay all the love and kindness I have received over the last 5 years but I will continue to try until I take my last breath.

Probably the most important thing that came out of my cancer journey was learning who I was again and actually falling in love with myself. It’s a funny thing to think that it took something as massive as cancer for me to realise I was so much better than the shitty relationship I was in. How little must I have thought of myself to endure the lies and pain caused by someone who claimed they loved me. Spending a lot of your time laying in a hospital bed allows you to think and analyse. I am someone who over thinks everything and I thought that was a bad thing, but I realised laying in that hospital bed for what felt like the millionth day during my last surgery, maybe I wasn’t thinking about some things enough. It took fighting cancer and all its complications to dig deep enough to get up the courage to remove myself and my daughter from a toxic home environment. I realised that if all these people who I didn’t even know I had made an impact on could come out of nowhere and tell me what an amazing person I was that maybe there was some truth to that. Suddenly when I looked in the mirror the insecurities that were grown through years of deceit and hurtful words started to melt away. Underneath I could see the beautiful 18 year old who was full of life and hope for the future. I started to look at my body in a new light. It wasn’t something that should be punished with over eating and laziness for being imperfect, it was an incredible vessel that helped me beat cancer and grew a life. It deserved to be filled with good fuel and treated with respect. In fact this body held the key to decreasing my chronic pain problems just by listening to what it needed and being open minded. Over the last two years I have found myself again. I look in the mirror and genuinely like the person looking back at me. I am a badass bitch who cares deeply for everyone around me and I deserve to be treated with love, respect and admiration. I came to this realisation on my own but it was solidified for me when I met my dream man, but that’s a story for another time.

The thing I am most proud of is the growth in my strength, determination and drive. Five years ago I didn’t have any real goals, I kind of had a rough dream of what I wanted but it never seemed like a reality. I definitely didn’t think I had the skills or ability to get me any further in life and I would never have used the word strong to describe myself. Well let’s see what I have achieved in the last 5 years... bet cancer, 5 major surgeries each with complications, retrained and started work in a new industry, joined a charity as an ambassador and raised over $20,000 for them, multiple interviews on TV and in news papers to raise awareness of cancer, purchased my own home with just my name on the title, renovated my own home and started on a second one, learnt how to live a healthy lifestyle, lost 20kg and counting, dropped several major medications I was dependent on, started to travel and became a step parent. On top of all that I have goals and I know where I want to be in 5 years. And for the first time I actually believe I can get there.

It would be really easy to look at where I am now after my 5 year battle and be depressed and riddled with anxiety. I am covered in gnarly scars and stretch marks, I have permanent diarrhea and chronic pain issues, I take several medications each day and will for the rest of my life, I may not be able to have any more children and my uterus doesn’t want to stay in my body. But where am I going to get by dwelling on those things? Instead of that I like to think about all the gifts cancer has given me. A new appreciation for what my body can do, determination, strength, the understanding of the importance of living each moment and my overall love for life.

So thank you bowel cancer. Thank you for all you have given me and all you will continue to give me even if you are well and truly gone now!

But also...fuck you...I win.