I CAUGHT THE FEELS

Sitting on the beautiful black sand at Ngarunui Beach in Raglan seems like the right time to think about some hard topics. 

I’ve been dating for a few months now. I wasn’t looking for a relationship or Mr. Right; I was just dipping my toes in the dating pool to see what’s out there. I’ve met some really great people and also some really unusual people. I’ve had fun and I’ve learnt a lot about myself and also what I am looking for in my next partner. 

About two months ago I went on a date with basically the first decent guy I’ve matched with on Tinder (don’t judge its hard meeting people as an adult!). He had all his teeth, didn’t appear to have any gang connections, had a good sense of humor and held a great conversation and at first glance he didn’t seem to be a chauvinistic narcissist. So hey, what was the harm in meeting for a drink. I didn’t expect him to be my type; in fact I had Kim on standby ready for a Code 10 text so she could get me out of there! Little did I know that I was about to sit down and lose 3hrs of my life in easy and fun conversation with someone who had an interesting spark in his eye! We talked... a lot...about so many different things. I knew when I walked away from that drink that I was in trouble. 

Since that first date we have talked everyday all day. The conversation is easy and flows. We laugh, a lot! As we have got to know each other we realised we have a ridiculous amount in common and are looking for the same things in life. 

This might be where you are thinking - wow that’s great Nat! I’m so happy you have met someone! And you’re right but along with those feelings of excitement come problems. 

For me initially the problem is a physical one. My body looks and functions very differently to a normal person. I am incredibly self conscious about my scarred and funny shaped tummy (got the classic Mum pouch but then also have a weird raised midline where the surgical mesh has been put in along with additional weight from comfort eating and medications). I have to go to the bathroom at least 5 times a day and always before sex! After I have eaten my stomach makes sounds that literally sound like a pod of whales calling for their young. I’m still heavily medicated and in daily pain. And I’m also a package deal with my crazy whirlwind daughter! These are not a list of selling points for why people should date me! All those things didn’t matter initially though because I wasn’t invested in any relationships or connections. Then along came this man who changed that all. 

One of the things I have in common with this guy is that we both over think things and analysis everything. This does mean though that the idea of cancer has been thoroughly thought about and picked apart by this person. I think this is a good thing because it means he is thinking carefully about the impact of falling in love with me could have on him and his son. I would hate for someone to not think about that and then be confronted with it in six months time if I don’t make it to my 5 year remission goal. But the hard thing about it is that we are stuck in this messy non-committed zone where we are developing feelings for each other but there’s something there holding him back. This is by no means his fault. He is amazing and treats me amazing and makes me feel amazing. He is just being realistic and making sure he knows what he is getting into. He doesn’t want himself and his son to end up loving me and then losing me. And of course he has to decide if he can be with someone with so many ongoing issues! I am the very definition of high maintenance after all! 

For me I have intense feelings of frustration, sadness and anger that even though I’m “cancer-free” my life is still being ruled by that stupid C word! The reality is that this is going to be the case for the rest of my life. Things that are easy for some will not be easy for me. I think the point I’m at right now is that I feel like I have sacrificed and missed out on so much over the last three years that I just want something amazing in my life. I just want something to be easy. The thing about this guy is that he is amazingly in touch with his emotions and thoughts and is really open to talking about anything. This makes it so much easier for us both to work through the hurdles. He knows the emotions I am feeling right now and he encourages me to talk to him about them – not many men out there that are the ones pushing for deep and meaningful chats!

It’s not often these days that I have a pity party. For the most part I am so happy with where I am at and how my life is going. I just sometimes get hit with this sledgehammer of reality where I have to remember that it’s not all smooth sailing and you know what - it’s ok. I’ve developed a way to deal with issues over the last 3 years that seems to work really well for me. I assign each issue in my life a box on a shelf in my mind. When I take one of these boxes down and open it I allow myself a set period of time to have a pity party/cry/whine about the issue and then I pull up my big girl knickers and either put the box back on the shelf for another day or just change the way I am looking at it to a more logical/methodical method. This means that I am letting the emotions associated with each of these issues wash over me and I am feeling them and sitting in them for a bit (so I am not bottling) but I am also not losing myself in them. I am able to take back control of the situation and look at the issue factually and work through it logically. Once you let yourself slip into a dark emotional hole it’s hard to pull yourself back out and so this is why I have developed this technique.

I don’t know if this person I am seeing is the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with. But you know what, I know what I want in that person and I know he is out there waiting to snatch me up and treat me like a queen! I have faith in the universe and I know it will deliver me what I need, when I need it. But in the meantime, it’s ok to sit on the beach and have a cry. It’s ok to have a wee pity party as long as I set a time limit on it, shake it off and lift my chin up and carry on! Cause that’s what survivors do.

Side note:

I wrote this blog on Saturday evening while I was alone at the beach. I then gave it to my oldest friend to read and she only had one thing to say – “This is great for any random person reading your blog but there’s more too this then you have written about.” And you know what, she is right. I have noticed since I have started this new blog that I have held back on some of the things I want to say. The reason for this is that I respect my ex and his family and friends. There are things that happened in my previous relationship that have formed the person I am now and they are not all pleasant but out of respect for him and his loved ones I don’t want to dwell too much on these things. But Liz was made a good point, she told me that she knows that writing is how I deal with things and that I need to make sure I am being honest with myself and at least writing some of the more ‘truthful’ blogs down even if I don’t publish them to the world. She was right and so I will, I will sit down this week and write this blog entry with ALL the details in it. Just for myself to help with the healing process. You are wise beyond your years my friend and I love you.